Childhood Social Neglect and the Impact in Adulthood, or why we still feel feral in our 40s

We tend to think of “childhood neglect” as kids being left alone, not fed adequately or not given needed medical care. And truly, these kinds of neglect are devastating, and I have seen plenty of survivors of this sort of profound neglect.

This post is about a different kind of neglect that I think of as “social neglect”. These kids may have plenty to eat or even live in affluent households, but the adults in their lives don’t take the time to teach them how to be people in society.

Often these kids are left to figure things on their own, with parents expecting they somehow know things without being taught. My favorite YouTube therapy content creator Patrick Teahan has video content on this.

Some of the clients that I work with suffer from a sense of “I don’t know how things work” or “I don’t know how to take care of myself” or “Other people are normal and I am an outsider.” These are sometimes accomplished, highly functional adults. They just have a lingering core belief about not knowing how things work, an unfortunate artefact from a socially neglected childhood. Even after they figure out how all the things work, they still have a sense of incompetence and loneliness. Thank goodness today we have YouTube and Reddit that can fill in some gaps on the practical skills. 

I remember my father, upset that my brother was not sending thank you notes for gifts he and his wife were sending to my brother’s child, saying indignantly “Your mother and I always made sure you and your brothers sent thank you notes”. Uh….what? I’m sure I never sent a thank you note as a child. I didn’t really know that was a normal thing to do until I got to be an adult, which is how it often works. We don’t know what we don’t know until we encounter it. I went to only one wedding as a kid, never attended a baby shower, never a bridal shower, or a housewarming party. I didn’t know it was normal for people to visit you after you had a baby until I had one and people came to see me. I was puzzled as to why these people were showing up at my house! It’s kind of funny now, but it threw into high relief how socially impoverished my childhood was although I grew up in an affluent suburb with professional parents. 

My parents’ alcoholism and the chaos it caused in our family created a real deficit in “normal” life experiences. There was no time or motivation to teach me about life, and mostly I just tried to stay under the radar and not need anything. I got my first checking account in my late teens, which I opened myself, and was embarrassed to realize that I had no idea how to fill out a check. (That was back in the days of paper checks). First checking account embarrassment is a common story with my clients, actually.

I was given a car but had no guidance in how to care for it or renew the registration. It’s a miracle I didn’t burn up the engine because I was utterly ignorant. Often asking for help or clarification is shame-inducing, feels scary or just doesn’t occur to them at all. I recall a story from a friend who was a socially neglected child, struggling to carry a load of things to their car while talking to a neighbor. After they managed, with great effort, to get the things to the car the neighbor said, “I could have helped you with that”. My friend realized they didn’t avoid asking for help for fear of rejection or for fear of putting the other person out. It simply did not occur to them that they could ask for help. And that’s how they decided to get into therapy. Hurray!

Clients report experiences of not understanding proper dress codes for events, not knowing how to tie a tie as an adult, being uncomfortable in anything more than a very casual restaurant, being uncertain how to behave at viewings or funerals, how to hire a baby sitter, or in general what is expected of them socially. This extends to things like figuring out how to file taxes, rent that first apartment, plan a vacation. 

Give Yourself Some Credit

So how do we get over that “I don’t know how things work” “I don’t know how to take care of myself” or “I’m an outsider” feeling? First, taking stock of all you have learned and figured out and do as an adult is important. You can even make a long list of all the “adulting” you do, just to see it all in one place.

Imagine you are showing that list to the kid inside you that didn’t get taught what they needed to know, and I mean to actually take the time to imagine that child or teen and showing them this list, or a highlight reel of accomplishments and firsts. Include everything you can think of, no matter how trivial it seems. Graduated high school, got that job, learned how to do laundry properly, remembered to get an oil change for your car, took a trip on your own, made dental appointments, had courage to do something big, got into a relationship even though it was scary, whatever. 

Process the Feelings

Second, if you need to, take some time to be sad or angry of whatever you feel about what you didn’t get from your caregivers in this department. Tell that little kid inside you that you are an adult now and can take care of things, they don’t need to worry about any of it. They’ve seen the list of your accomplishments, right? And whatever comes up that you don’t know, you (the adult today you) has the resources and can figure things out. 

Ask for Help

 Also, practice asking for help when needed, because none of us knows everything. Some people just seem like they do. A woman I know who is the epitome of the responsible, organized adult, once remarked that they never balanced their check book and rarely knew how much money was in her account. What a relief and breath of fresh air! I felt so much better about myself. What she helped me realize is that I didn’t have to know everything or do everything right to be okay, to be enough.

Give Yourself Some Grace

Even today, I have moments where I realize what I missed. When I was still a relatively newly married young person, my lovely mother-in-law would call me to check in and chat, and I was always delighted and surprised to get the call. It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out this was a regular weekly Sunday call, because I didn’t know that was a normal thing to do. Communication with my family was infrequent and fraught so what did I know? Thinking back on that, I am touched by the patience and acceptance of my in-laws and grateful for the guidance they gave that I didn’t get elsewhere. 

You are Okay