How do I get other people to change?

Sometimes people come to therapy with the motivation to make the people around them change, since they are the ones causing the client’s problems. While this is an easy goal to relate to (wouldn’t it be nice if people were less annoying and just did the sensible things??), this isn’t how therapy works. Psychotherapy is to help the client make their own changes, through a process of self-understanding and moving towards their desired goals in life. Insisting it’s the OTHER people in our life who need to change misses the point, and undoubtedly leads to frustration.  

BUT – to some degree, we can shape the behaviors of others around us by what we do and what we don’t do. TELLING others what we want, especially arguing about it, may not be effective. The great news though, is that changes in our own behavior, if we are firm and consistent, can make a difference in how others behave towards us. 

I used to have a neighbor whose teenage son lost his house keys several times a week. I kept a spare key for them, and he would come to my place to borrow the key after school. This was happening several days a week. The timing was often inconvenient for me, as I had a kid who was often napping that time of day, and my dog barked when he knocked on the door. I also then had to remind him repeatedly over the next several hours to bring the key back, which was aggravating. One day, in a calculated move, I stopped answering the door when he knocked. 

After a few instances of not getting the problem solved easily by getting the spare key, he stopped knocking. He figured out how to hold onto his keys! I later noticed he started keeping them on a lanyard, so easy solution there, he just needed a bit more motivation to make that happen. I solved the problem for myself of being interrupted in the afternoons and being annoyed at how hard I had to work to get the key returned. I believe that I helped him solve the problem for himself as well – not being able to hold onto a set of keys. Had I scolded him or complained to his mother, I am quite sure he would not have felt so motivated to change.  

(Obviously, if he had come back knocking and there was an urgent need for him to access the key, I would have handed it over.)

There are many examples of this kind of tactic, such as hanging up – every time – when a family member gets loud at you on a phone call, not folding a loved one’s laundry when they fail to get it out of the dryer when you need to do your laundry, refusing to make plans with a friend who routinely cancels last minute. 

It’s worth considering, when someone is aggravating you with a particular behavior (or lack of a behavior), what can you do quietly and calmly, that will interrupt the regular pattern of the interaction? Is there a boundary that can be set and quietly and consistently enforced that is safe and might nudge the other person’s behavior in a positive way?