Sunburn and the Sensitive Person
Many of my clients feel frustration, confusion, and shame when they have difficulty tolerating certain social interactions, crowded places, or other stimuli that seem fine to others.
Usually, these are highly sensitive people, also known as HSP’s. In our culture being “sensitive” is often seen as being weak, too particular, or too emotional. It’s rare that “You’re so sensitive” is intended as a compliment! We certainly have a bias in our culture for extroverted personalities and see shyness in children as a deficiency, which is unfortunate. We’ve certainly heard a lot in the last several years about neurodivergence, and that’s a big subject that I won’t address here. Instead, I am sticking to the generally understood definition of HSPs.
Highly sensitive people can feel overwhelmed easily by crowded places, loud noise, bright light, strong odors, some sensations, and even the emotions of others. Our current world is incredibly noisy, and we are inundated by information and stimuli all the time that even a few decades ago would been impossible to imagine.
Being a highly sensitive person is challenging, but there are strategies that make it less so. First is understanding that you ARE a highly sensitive person. Next comes switching the question from “What is wrong with me?” to “How can I manage the particular needs of my nervous system?”
- Plan Ahead—When possible, avoid situations and places that you know will be exhausting or stressful for you. Go shopping at off hours instead of peak times if crowded stores make you anxious. Seek entertainment or social experiences that suit your needs better. Some highly sensitive people can’t tolerate violent content in movies or TV.
- Block it Out—Use earplugs or noise-canceling headphones when you can’t avoid loud noise or a lot of talking.
- Take a Break—Give yourself permission to take breaks from social situations—sometimes just taking a walk or sitting in a quiet room alone for a bit can do the trick. If feasible, alert others that you will be doing so, to avoid the “Are you Ok? What’s wrong?” questions.
- Consider Alternatives—Learn to say no to events or situations you know are going to make you miserable or overwhelmed. We often think we “have” to do something and maybe we don’t. Maybe we can explain that we aren’t able to attend that party but can choose to send a thoughtful note instead.
Even if we get skilled at taking care of our own sensory and energy needs, non-highly sensitive people can fail to understand and be impatient with the HSP. When getting others like friends, co-workers, and family to work with us on managing our needs, it may be useful to have an analogy to help them understand.
Consider a very light-skinned, blue-eyed person in a family of darker-skinned folks who just love to go to the beach! The fair-complected person may love the beach too, but no degree of wanting to stay on the beach all day with the rest of the family will keep them from getting burned to a crisp. They are simply built differently and what is easy and fun for the rest of the family just doesn’t work for them. They can’t “just stop being so sensitive” and they’re not getting sunburned on purpose to get attention or be special.
Sure, they can wear hats and wraps and sunscreen and sunglasses, of course, and that will help. But there is something fundamentally different about them that makes it impossible for them to have the same amount of fun in the sun that the rest of the family takes for granted. There’s nothing wrong with them, they’re just different. It’s not great when they want to be with their family at the beach, but it is what it is.
Highly Sensitive People can’t “just be less sensitive”. They need to accommodate the needs of their particular nervous system. If that person is you, learning to communicate and meet your needs is crucial to your mental health. If you love someone who is a highly sensitive person, you can help by strategizing with them to make sure their needs are met.