A blog post for fellow “Weirdos”
I think a lot of us have moments when we realize that we are not understood by our peers, teachers, and even – or especially by family. This experience of “otherness” and isolation has a long-lasting impact on our sense of self, our sense of worth, and our belief in our abilities, our ability to feel safe in relationships. Many of my clients are dealing with these issues in therapy.
One particular memory stands out for me from 2nd or 3rd grade, where for a day we had a bunch of stations in a classroom where you had to do a different activity. At one of the stations, the activity was to listen to a poem and do a drawing about the poem. The poem was about trees being lashed about in a storm at night. I was pleased because I loved stories and poems and really loved to draw. I listened carefully and earnestly set about crafting a drawing that reflected the mood and actions in the poem. I used dark colors – brown and navy blue – and made the trees bent in the wind, with gesture marks indicating the fury of the storm. I was quite proud of my drawing thinking I had really understood the assignment and enjoyed the experience of interpreting the poem.
Imagine my shock when I got that assignment back with an F grade and the terse comment from the teacher “You can do better than this!” At that moment, my eyes drifted to the desk of my neighbor Beverly and her drawing sported an “A” grade. Beverly’s drawing was of 3 lollipop trees with brown trunks and round green tops adorned with red circles representing apples. These trees were bent 90 degrees and there was a round yellow sun shining in the sky. In that moment, I learned a sad but impactful lesson – to be acceptable, I had to give people what they expected. Being creative, having a different perspective, and seeing beyond the surface of things was not going to be rewarded. I needed to bypass my instincts, ascertain what somebody expected or wanted, and deliver that. What really stung was not the failing grade, but how I was misunderstood so profoundly by the teacher because I had really cared and tried hard.
This was not the first and certainly not the last experience in childhood where I experienced the sadness and shame of not fitting in or measuring up to the expectations of others. This one stands out for me because I recall that in that moment, I resolved to be the kid that got it right (even when the teacher was so clearly wrong) even if that meant presenting a false front and basically becoming a performance instead of a kid.
I sometimes tell my clients who feel they are misunderstood and are weird and don’t fit in – you just have to find YOUR weirdos. There will be others who “get” you. And as you search for those, find ways to accept and even celebrate the ways in which you are “weird” and the things that make you, you. Fitting in and being aware of the expectations of others is necessary at times, but that can be a performance that you do as necessary, without trying to make it your actual self. Have a conversation with that inner child who wants to color outside the lines and let them know that they are okay with you.