Holidays and the Value of “Therapeutic Lying”

One of the things I talk about with clients that they find most surprising and intriguing is the idea of “therapeutic lying”.

It seems wrong to lie, to be untruthful, since we are trained from early childhood that lying is wrong. Generally, I try to support people in being truthful about their needs and to be fair and kind to others by sharing accurate information about important topics. But, it’s my position that sometimes lying can be the best self-defense tactic we have.

I first learned the term in my second internship in my social work master’s program (called a “field placement” where social work students provide free labor in a variety of settings.) I served in an adult medical day program, working with older adults with dementia, and believe it or not, it was a joy. 

My wise supervisor taught me that “therapeutic lying” was a kind act that prevented unnecessary distress.

For example, if a client with dementia asked, “do you know where my wife is?” the answer, “Oh, Mr. Johnson, she died last year, don’t you remember?” is unkind and clinically inappropriate, because Mr. Johnson doesn’t need to be reminded over and over of his loss. He’s not going to remember, and each time he learns again of the death of his spouse is going to be disruptive emotionally and may lead to problems with sleep, appetite and behavior. Answering “Oh she’s out shopping, she’ll be back later” is a lie, but told with the purpose of helping someone be comfortable and content. It was often hard to convince family members that therapeutic lying was not disrespectful but instead respected their loved one’s current capacity and state of mind, while preventing distress. 

This sort of therapeutic lying is easy to understand. However, I also advocate for a different kind of therapeutic lying as well, and that involves lying to both get out of a dreaded situation that will be emotionally destructive, while also preventing blow-back from others who will be angry or resentful if you don’t comply with their demands.

The typical example I give of this is “Oh yes, I am so looking forward to seeing all of you at the family reunion!” followed last minute by “Oh no, I had some gas station sushi and now I have food poisoning and can’t possibly make the drive now. Darn it! I am so disappointed!” 

In this scenario, the person knows that that family reunion is going to be a terrible experience in which their appearance, career choice, relationship status or whatever, is going to be the subject of negative or even mocking commentary. Or they will be expected to be in proximity to a family member or friend of the family that abused them (you’d be shocked how often this happens,) or any other scenario which anyone reading this blog can probably guess at!

In these sorts of family situations, there is no winning for my client. Damned if they do; they’re gonna be miserable and suffer through getting picked on and shamed, to the detriment of their hard-won gains in self-esteem and mental health or end up using drugs or alcohol (or both) to numb enough to cope, or maybe even end up in a fight.

Whatever the situation, the game is rigged so that they cannot win. 

And, damned if they don’t; refusing to attend that family reunion (birthday party, wedding, whatever) is going to result in bullying, demands, shaming, threats, withdrawal of support, etc.  No amount of trying to explain their reasoning or setting of boundaries is going to help, it will just fuel the fire of how they are seen as “difficult” or “too sensitive” or “ungrateful” or whatnot. People who are actively choosing not to understand you are not going to listen to any explanation or self-defense, no matter how artfully crafted it is.

There’s a little kid inside us that is convinced that if we just say it right enough and keep trying we will be understood and accepted. We need to give that little kid a hug and a snack and let them know that we (the adult version of us) got this. 

I’m not a fan of people being put in no-win situations. So, I advocate for refusing to comply with no-win situations, because it’s foolish to try and be fair and honest with people who refuse to be fair and honest with you. It’s a trap, and you can’t win by being direct and honest. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from the misery and traumatic impact of whatever family event you are expected at and do your best to avoid getting punished for just trying to keep your peace. 

But Kathryn, you may ask, why bother lying? Why not just cut ties with these family members and be done with it?? It’s a good question. Very often it’s not feasible for a person to cut ties with the family. They may have another parent or younger siblings they want to be able to stay connected to, they may have a degree of financial dependency on the family they are not ready to give up (like a college student). Or maybe they’re just not willing to do so for whatever reason. So being able to take some control using therapeutic lying is to me a reasonable choice.

The holidays may be a time to consider this tactic, given the family gatherings and other expectations this time of year. So here’s to whatever gets you through the Happy Holidays!!